He's F#%&#ing Ben Affleck! (He's fucking Ben Affleck!)

THE OSCAR AWARDS (ABC)
Jon Stewart - much better then last time - still not the great host he wants to be. Much more relaxed, and yeah - he was definitely funny and amiable. Kind of like the classic phrase about being backstage at a Stones' show - you wait around all nite for a few good lines. Overall, the show was a real bore. Reviewing it now, 2 weeks later - I can't really remember much about the whole thing except that it was really long, had a LOT of clips that didn't really have much cohesion to them. I know some people are making a big deal out of the fact that a lot of foreigners won, but you won't get that kind of good ole' casual racism on this blog. I can't believe people even paid attention to that. God, I just can't remember anything that happened except the Diablo Cody win and Hal Holbrook losing. Happy for Diablo, sad for Hal. Anyway - this was not a great awards ceremony, but Stewart at least made it go down a little easier. But let's get serious. There are only 2 guys who should be hosting this thing. Letterman or Jimmy Kimmel. Period. How could they give Jon Steward another chance, let the tragically unfunny Whoopi Goldberg take a crack at it - and not let the great David Letterman, who hasn't done it for 13 years, have one more chance to shine. I believe Letterman would be a class act and it's ludicrous to think he couldn't learn from the first time around on what not to do. And I think Kimmel would also be a great choice and that these two should be the only ones in contention for the job. Kimmel's easy manner and comfort level both in front of the camera and with celebrities mixed with his brilliance as an ad libber - he'd be fucking great. And I swear to God, if they ever give Conan O'Brien the Oscars, I will throw up on my TV.
Grade: D +

JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE! AT THE OSCARS (ABC)
Somehow, this felt like the real Oscar show. There was an electricity to this - and if Jimmy doesn't host the Oscars in the next few ceremonies - he should keep this post show as a perennial. Not only was I'M FUCKING BEN AFFLECK one of the best fucking things EVER (seriously - if you haven't seen it - go to YOUTUBE and find it - it's the BEST - on par with Sarah's song to Jimmy about Fucking Matt Damon)- And Jimmy's subsequent interview with Ben Affleck was the best Ben ever was on a talk show. But also very funny and wildly overlooked in retrospect was the bit in which people who are EXPECTED to die got an early "In Memoriam." God, that was so sick and SO funny. But how did Artie Lange not make it on that list?

However, back to FUCKING BEN AFFLECK - this was a serious TV triumph. You had Brad Pitt, Harrison Ford, Robin Williams - and best of all, Josh Groban (somehow his bit made me laugh the most.) They even had the man, they myth, the legend - MEATLOAF in a great WE ARE THE WORLD spoof which even figured out a way to reprise Huey Lewis' memorable moment in that video. I watched this again last night - it's one of those things that'll be on my DVR for a long time as I show it to everybody who hasn't seen it. And serious kudos to the hilarious acting of Jimmy Kimmel in some of the funniest man-on-man poses this side of SHORTBUS.
Give this man an Oscar...Ceremony!
Grade: A +

Speaking of Artie Lange, let's all have a silent moment for Grandma Caprio, Artie Lange's beloved grandma whom Howard used to do an impression of on the show. Artie told a typically funny and sad story about saying some words at the podium and related how his grandmother used to pray to St. Jude for him, something he was very happy about, until he learned St. Jude was the Saint of the hopeless!

There was a great segment involving Kimmel calling in to the show along with Eric the Shitty Actor Midget - guess you kind of had to be there.

And this morning as I finish the blog, I was listening to THE STERN SHOW in their discussion of the AMY FISHER sex video (which I've seen - it's horrifying.) They were playing clips and just talking about the fact that, as Howard said "Who would have ever thought that this would be the ending of the Buttafuco thing - Amy and Joey in seperate sex tapes?" Of course, I can't do justice nor repeat the entire - very explicit clips and converstaion, but today they were so funny I was laughing/crying in the car and actually had to pull over.

A word about the Stuttering John interview on the ADAM CAROLLA SHOW - John was incredibly pithy, ungrateful and shockingly bitter about working for Howard, the man who gave him his start in radio. Adam was pretty funny - getting all the dirt, and
Howard was fucking pissed the next morning. All in all, it made for great radio drama, but I still can't believe that John was fucking stupid enough to bash Howard all to promote some horrid film that nobody will ever see that will be in theaters for 5 days before it becomes a blockbuster dvd. Good God. I used to love Stuttering John. I can't believe - even if he DID feel that way - to publicly bash the guy that gave him a live and a career - and believe me - without Howard - Stuttering John was on a one way ticket to hell - why he would possibly say that out loud on Adam's radio show....Wha' happened?


GONE COUNTRY (CMT)
This is the greatest reality show you are probably not watching. CMT isn't exactly on my CHANNEL FAVORITES LIST - but it might get there. I watched a marathon of it the other day, and it's the greatest. Dee Snider, Bobby Brown, Carnie Wilson, Marcia Brady and some other not as famous people are trained by country star great, WHATS HIS NAME into becoming county singers. The situations are hilarious. Bobby Brown got real drunk and weepy for no good reason, so Carni started to undress him and put him in bed and Bobby passed gas in Carni's face. It's Emmy time! But here's how it breaks down - Most of them suck at it - Bobby Brown's country song was surprisingly good, Dee Snider was surprisingly trite, Carni wasn't too good, Diane DeGarmo basically did a shitty pop song, and lastly - surprise surprise - Marcia Brady might actually win this thing! She had a good little song about "the real me" that she even sang with a country twang (fake country twangs are pretty hilarious)still, - I mean, not really - but relative to the rest of the show...
Grade: B

Does anybody remember how FUCKING GREAT E.L.O. was? I just got the ELECTRIC LIGHT ORCHESTRA greatest hits. I swear it's da bomb - and they had a lot more memorable hits than you probably remember. (Telephone Line, It's Over, Evil Woman, It's A Living Thing, etc.) Download if you want to hear a band that was in many ways ahead of its time. If you're a fan of BOOGIE NIGHTS - It's A Living Thing by ELO was the credit closing song.

CONGRATS to THE MIGHTY MIGHTY BOSSTONES for their hugely successful and musically awesome reunion tour - let's hope it never ends.

Check out ADELE and her new song CHASING PAVEMENTS. She's a 19 year old Brit who sounds a bit like the Wino, but this is truly a killer track.

Will PRINCE ever make a real CD again? I don't think he will - but as long as he plays his greatest hits I'd see him live anytime. But, for the record, his last 4 "CD"s - for all his musicianship - were fucking horrible.

And this will probably negate everything I just said, but I listened to some awesome live Air Supply over the weekend. Enough said.


FREE RADIO (VH1)
I don't really get this show. I know the people in it are funny and talented, and there are some funny ideas in it - but it's really kind of....just doing the mocumentary really, really, really, really, really, badly. And the acting by the celebrities on this thing - it's all really embarrassing for everybody involved.
Grade: D

CELEB REHAB (VH1) / JESSICA SIERRA SUPERSTAR (VIVID VIDEO)
Is kind of great, kind of exploitive and really kind of heart breaking. For the record, I think Bridgite Nielson and the guy from CRAZY TOWN probably has the best chance at change. Mary Carry is a lost cause. Jeff Conway truly breaks my heart and I hope he's able to get his act together. Daniel Baldwin was a pathetic asshole, and Jessica Sierra...where do I begin? She's been through hell - her mom was a drug addicted prostitute, reportedly since finishing this show she's become pregnant - which can't be a good thing for her at this time in her life. And somebody just sent me a link to a truly seedy hour of Jessica having sex on the clock to support her drug habbit. She even asks in the middle of the act, "has that been 20 minutes yet?" The tape is devastatingly sad, and what doesn't help is that the vocally gifted girl appears, above everything else, to be a complete moron with no tools on how to deal with her life. As far as that tape goes, it's much more a sad portrait of a girl on the edge and it's just really...gritty. And sad. Like Jessica Sierra herself. The sex is the sex, but there is nothing sexy about a young girl on speed throwing her life away. At one point while she's having sex, she tells the guy on top of her "Has it been 20 minutes yet?" I hope she's able to turn it around. Reportedly, Jeff Conway has gotten involved with Scientology through John Travolta. I don't know - somehow, if I needed to get myself off drugs and my head in the right space - Travolta, that fucking freak, fixing ANYBODY'S LIFE sounds about as promising as Clooney fixing the WGA disputem, Brad Pitt fixing New Orleans and Steve-O's upcoming rap CD.
CELEB REHAB: A
JESSICA SIERRA'S SEX TAPE: C + (it works very well as a tragedy)

BREAKING BAD (AMC)
I finally cracked the first 3 episodes off my DVR and must say, after a slow start, this thing is definitely picking up steam. While many of the early scenes seemed to just be a sort of.. "Because we can" kind of drama - the show is now settling into a nice rhtyhm and while it's certainly not as fully realized nor truly trenchant like AMC's MAD MEN or even as well put together as WEEDS, there is room for improvement and much here to be admired. The problem right now is that Brian Cranston's character is really disant, and we need to get close to see what drives him. What isn't helping matters is that right now the show seems more a series of incidents than actual storytelling. But I'll keep watching.
Grade: C +


THE JANICE DICKINSON AGENCY (OXY)
This must be a triumph of editing since she is so unpleasant, so nasty, so mean, and yet - wildly compelling and watchable. She's also sort of beautiful, which doesn't hurt (thought the plastic surgery seems to be coming on hand over fist lately - just look at Janice in the first season and Janice now - she's lost 12 years.) I like the drama with Chris Jones, agency stud, who is now dating the absolutely adorable Alexis, who looks like she's staying in Miami. But more to the point, the focal point of the whole season seemed to be the total breakdown of the working relationship between Janice and Peter Ham, her business partner. Though it's hard to tell who's story is right, it's Janice's show, so Peter is being portrayed as a bad guy, but something tells me he's not as bad as we're lead to believe. What was truly sickening is the way Janice handled it. In season 1, she had Peter come on and begged him to partner up. In season 3, she now meets Peter for lunch with her lawyer, who explains why he doesn't think the relationship is going well, while Janice coldly sits and says "go, now." That was pretty fucking cold and unforgivable. There are ways to end things and the drama queen just treated a guy who gave her a life and a chance - like shit. Can't wait until next season.I hope he fights back.
Grade: B -

THE BIGGEST LOSER (NBC)
Recaps seem dumb with this show, in which the biggest thrill is seeing how much weight some of these people lose compared to what they looked like when they walked. There are people there who have lost over 100 pounds. Insane. And inspiring. And somehow, even at two hours, never boring.
Grade: B +


SNL WITH TINA FEY / ELLEN PAIGE
I don't know - something is missing. I did think Tina was really funny in both her monologue and in her WEEKEND UPDATE stuff, and I certainly love Ellen Paige. (was it just me - or does Paige look about 12 in person?) But the spark is really missing from SNL. I mean - wow, a guest shot from Hilary Clinton - wow, Hilary is SO FUNNY. Jesus Christ, what happened to this show? It's as if Seth Myer's unfunniness has now rubbed off on the entire sagging enterprise.
Grade: D

THE WIRE (HBO)
RIP Omar. This show is one of the greats. It will be missed. I just watched the next-to-last episode. This show is and was – fucking great.
Grade: A +

THE WHITEST KIDS YOU KNOW (IFC)
I only watched a few sketches, but I think this show is pretty funny. I have to watch some more.
Grade: C

AMERICAN CANNIBAL: THE ROAD TO REALITY (CABLE)
This is a great mocumentary or documentary - I honestly can't really tell -if anybody knows for sure - let me know - but my gut reaction is that it's PROBABLY partially scripted - but maybe not - I really don't fucking know - which in itself gets this little unseen gem an:
Grade: B +


I tried to see George A. Romero's DIARY OF THE DEAD but it seems like it's just playing here and there as a contractual deal for the dvd release - but I do need to see it.

THE APPRENTICE: CELEB EDITION: (NBC)
So long, Marilu. I love this edition.


AMERICAN DAD tries way too hard. It had a couple of really good seasons, but most of this season's episodes seem like a really pale shadow of FAMILY GUY.

BOSTON LEGAL (ABC)
They were good for a minute.
A whole minute.
Grade: D

THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH (HBO)
I watched about 30 minutes of this – Bowie looks great. The film looks great. I couldn’t get into it at all. It was well done – I just had no idea what the fuck they were talking about.
Grade: ???

DON RICKLES DOCUMENTARY (HBO)
Warm and fuzzy tribute to the great insult comic. Rickles doesn’t come off as edgy anymore, but they do have some very choice material here if you ever wanted to see why people loved him. The director of this docu was John Landis, who is making a nice career for himself doing these small docus. Two years ago he did SLASHER about a famous car price slasher in Texas.
Grade: C +

MAYBE BABY BRADY? (VH1)
This is not scripted -just a train wreck. Still, there seems to be some truth to the relationship and some honest heartache, and for that

THE MOMENT OF TRUTH, SALT & PEPPER SHOW & SCOTT BAIO IS 45 AND PREGNANT
MOMENT OF TRUTH started provocatively and then started to suck. The questions have quickly become completely softball. As for Scott Baio and Salt & Pepper - their shows are so highly scripted (I loved the bit on BAIO when Baio was on the phone and Johnny B. pretended to be mad about something and took the pickle out of Jason Hervey's mouth - those WONDER YEARS acting lessons paid off!) - anyway - all these shows kind of suck. A few months ago on the SARAH SILVERMAN show, Jay, the cop - did a bit doing "gentle comedy" - which was hilarious in that it was comedy that was basically not funny. These scripted reality shows are basically "gentle comedy." Reality is intimated, but nothing is real. Comedy is intimated, but nothing is funny.
Grades:
MOMENT OF TRUTH: C -
SALT & PEPPER: D
SCOTT B AIO: D

How exciting is it that George A. Romero's DIARY OF THE DEAD is coming out? And how fucked up is it that I haven’t seen it yet?

What's with Aretha Franklin getting crazy about Beyonce's introduction about who in fact is "the queen?" Is she serious? God, the Grammys are a joke.

NIP/TUCK (SEASON FINALE) F/X
Wow. I didn’t think it could get worse. I didn’t think the storytelling could get more unrealistic. I didn’t think Ryan Murphy simply doesn’t care about his show anymore. I was wrong on every single count. This was a joke. An insult to a once fine show now devolved into…something. At least with the Carver and even some of last year’s antics, there was a kicky sense of outrageousness in the air – now – Christian finds out he has a daughter OFF CAMERA – a daughter that’s sleeping with Matt – his son. But they don’t care. They keep fucking. The killer/psycho of the season – this year it’s Sharon Gless, stabs Shawn (of course not to death – he has to be here for the craptacular next season) – while he operates on his daughter. Julia wakes up out of a coma with amnesia: “Who are you? Who am I?” Oh, my God. This is the most laughable drama on TV. And while it kills more brain cells than weed, it’s not nearly as fun.
Grade: F -